Sometimes X and me sit on the steps leading to Big Bazaar - the one near my house.In the background there is huge cacophony of traffic which irritates me while exhilarating X. I used to sit many times with my mom there.She used to get tired standing because after her chemotherapy her knees and legs gave her pain .The pill Altraz she was on had among other side effects - leaching bones of calcium. So , invariably when i used to coax her during the 10 months after chemo and radiation but before the cancer came back in her brain, mom sat outside at those steps while I finished buying groceries at the store.
So, now I coax X to sit with me - i still don't like the noise and all that vigorous honking but she seems to enjoy it while i reminisce about Mom. I miss her terribly and after her i don't think i'll miss anyone else so much. X and me are both losers however in different ways [she is going to kill me , I know, for saying this] . I believe however there are more losers walking around than truly content and happy people with everything going for them .. ..infact there are few people who have probably been just tapped lightly on the head by Life and not smacked or tossed around like a football ! X and me both have had hard lives from last 10 years.And both of us blame it on Fate or destiny !
X : Gosh ! whatever did we do to end up alone like this i mean we are 33 and not getting anywhere.I feel so lonely at times i wish my 6 year relationship had never ended !
Me: May be we should start new habits ! How about social drinking?
X: Social drinking ? Where ? We have no social life to speak of? Its difficult to even make new friends at this age ? Where have all the people gone ?
Me: I wish your relationship had ended earlier ...less pain ! 6 years and it went nowhere ! And about people ,...they are all married ! Married people have to compulsorily socialize with each other especially married indian girls. Most husbands don't like their wives spending time with their friends ...or so the women think ! Married people hang out with married people usually!
X : Why ?
Me: Its maths , i think.Things are easier to add up when couples hang out together.
X:[ sits thinking while i wonder why do we end up talking all this crap] There are only so many mall visits one can make. It stinks to be single middle class Indian girl ![she concluded... and sighed]
Me: Yes..i have been saying this all this time...and thats the only reason i want to get married !I mean if i find some one to just hang out or go on vacations with i'll think i have hit jackpot !
X: That's all ! That low your expectations are ? you want a touring companion ? What about love ? [she looked at me...wide eyed aghast!]
Me: Oh ...lot of my expectations have been silted and washed away by incoming tides through all these years ...is that so bad ? What's wrong with a touring companion ? I want to go and see the world and India which i can't do now alone. Its no fun alone for me .I guess i am not built that way. And love? Maybe its not for me...i have come to accept it.Anyway, if it had to happen it would have happened a long time ago.
X : [rolled her eyes at me and sighed ] yeah maybe...we don't even have ways to meet anyone anymore ..most of the guys on the market are either divorced or with kids.
Me: Oh..we might not even have kids to baulk at ..you know...its a possibility the biological clock ...
X: [she sighed even louder] yep...gosh its scary....are we destined to die unloved, alone and without progeny ?
Me: I hope not...i i desperately hope we don't die alone ..unloved because we are quite loving people ![ i tried to cheer her up]
X : Do you believe we are at fault? Do we make our own destiny ?
Me : [ i thought hard and put my arm around her to console and pacify her while i fought back my tears] If you had asked me 10 years ago...i 'd have said ..yes -we make our own destiny ! Not anymore ! I think...we can just clear the path ...you know..pick the weeds out,plant some seeds ..hoping they survive and grow into strong plants and trees and fill the path with beauty and fragrance. But the path ...where it leads and goes is beyond us.Where the path is destined to end and branch out is in some Superpower's hands',.....there is Someone out there who is pulling the strings and spoiling all our plans, X !
So, now I coax X to sit with me - i still don't like the noise and all that vigorous honking but she seems to enjoy it while i reminisce about Mom. I miss her terribly and after her i don't think i'll miss anyone else so much. X and me are both losers however in different ways [she is going to kill me , I know, for saying this] . I believe however there are more losers walking around than truly content and happy people with everything going for them .. ..infact there are few people who have probably been just tapped lightly on the head by Life and not smacked or tossed around like a football ! X and me both have had hard lives from last 10 years.And both of us blame it on Fate or destiny !
X : Gosh ! whatever did we do to end up alone like this i mean we are 33 and not getting anywhere.I feel so lonely at times i wish my 6 year relationship had never ended !
Me: May be we should start new habits ! How about social drinking?
X: Social drinking ? Where ? We have no social life to speak of? Its difficult to even make new friends at this age ? Where have all the people gone ?
Me: I wish your relationship had ended earlier ...less pain ! 6 years and it went nowhere ! And about people ,...they are all married ! Married people have to compulsorily socialize with each other especially married indian girls. Most husbands don't like their wives spending time with their friends ...or so the women think ! Married people hang out with married people usually!
X : Why ?
Me: Its maths , i think.Things are easier to add up when couples hang out together.
X:[ sits thinking while i wonder why do we end up talking all this crap] There are only so many mall visits one can make. It stinks to be single middle class Indian girl ![she concluded... and sighed]
Me: Yes..i have been saying this all this time...and thats the only reason i want to get married !I mean if i find some one to just hang out or go on vacations with i'll think i have hit jackpot !
X: That's all ! That low your expectations are ? you want a touring companion ? What about love ? [she looked at me...wide eyed aghast!]
Me: Oh ...lot of my expectations have been silted and washed away by incoming tides through all these years ...is that so bad ? What's wrong with a touring companion ? I want to go and see the world and India which i can't do now alone. Its no fun alone for me .I guess i am not built that way. And love? Maybe its not for me...i have come to accept it.Anyway, if it had to happen it would have happened a long time ago.
X : [rolled her eyes at me and sighed ] yeah maybe...we don't even have ways to meet anyone anymore ..most of the guys on the market are either divorced or with kids.
Me: Oh..we might not even have kids to baulk at ..you know...its a possibility the biological clock ...
X: [she sighed even louder] yep...gosh its scary....are we destined to die unloved, alone and without progeny ?
Me: I hope not...i i desperately hope we don't die alone ..unloved because we are quite loving people ![ i tried to cheer her up]
X : Do you believe we are at fault? Do we make our own destiny ?
Me : [ i thought hard and put my arm around her to console and pacify her while i fought back my tears] If you had asked me 10 years ago...i 'd have said ..yes -we make our own destiny ! Not anymore ! I think...we can just clear the path ...you know..pick the weeds out,plant some seeds ..hoping they survive and grow into strong plants and trees and fill the path with beauty and fragrance. But the path ...where it leads and goes is beyond us.Where the path is destined to end and branch out is in some Superpower's hands',.....there is Someone out there who is pulling the strings and spoiling all our plans, X !
I never knew that I could enjoy something this much. You have put my style stalking and cosmetic's lemming away from me. I am hooked to your posts, directly pulled out from the real life instances with an invisible image drawn in each of them. So true about a middle class girl who constantly think of not being one, and then she finds herself in the same class every time she makes a judgment. You know what I mean. We tend to never come out of that upbringing where everything, relationship and penny matters!! :)
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