LASIK- Is it for you ?

Here's a brief intro to my eyes- I am wearing glasses from age of 5- that's when myopia was diagnosed. And since I am a girl and since girls grow rapidly in first 15 years every year my numbers increased exponentially .All doctors said nothing can be done to my parents.In my case my minus number[ myopia] increased because of rapid increase in my height. By the age of 14-15 i was already 5ft 8" tall.So when 1 was 15  I had -15 or -16 in left eye [L.E] and -14 in R.E. My height therefore i consider a curse....

Myopia is genetic in nature due to the father.As i grew up in 1990s , i was wearing thick glasses [the kind people make fun of].At age of 15 i started wearing contact lenses- hard ones and then semi soft because my power was available only in these. The problem with these lenses is you can wear only for 6-7 hrs. And dusty city travel by bus etc made life a small regular hell for me. i got infections small and big. Here i was a college going teenager who couldn't do many things because of lenses. My life revolved around lenses and manipulating myself so that in college nobody could know i had very very thick glasses i had to wear.

I did things as i thought right. My parents couldn't understand really what i was going through. I used to come home remove lenses and not really go out the rest of the evening.I spent reading ,knitting and embroidering my teenage years at home and only rarely went out.Of course at that time it just seemed normal to make sacrifices pick and choose lens wear time.
I grew up like this finished college and studies and nobody really knew what was going on in my head and nobody in college or friends knew i had such thick glasses.
Marriage prospects because of these were always a question mark for my parents..Of course i knew too. So here i was a 20 year old who thought i would never get married because of this. Every one knows indian Marriage market- so i don't really need to get into details.Its a different thing that i still haven't got married because i never really found a compatible person because of my height etc.

The point is my parents were on a look out for PRK [ another procedure to reduce eye numbers]which was done in hordes by Surya hospital  et al. Camps were carried out but it was a highly invasive procedure and didn't seemed worth it. So when i became 20 someone told us of this new procedure called LASIK with minimum invasiveness and most importantly could be done for kind of numbers i had in my eyes
   So with permission from our religious head Syedna- i got LASIK done at Bombay. Things went well. My doctor told me i will still have to wear glasses because my number was very high to start with.
We had understood it - atleast what the surgery was and what happens immediately after.In the informed consent, that the doctors take there was lot of fine print.But can someone like us or my parents really understand the implications and complications??? Still my parents being cautious must have asked all that must have really known to ask - after all me and my parents are not doctors to weigh in medical facts and make a decision.Nowadays doctors don't even want to take responsibility in critical and required operations so for elective procedure like LASIK i am sure they won't take any.
For comprehensive and right information on LASIK go here

Its been 15 years for my LASIK - i got it done from the best and the oldest LASER CENTRE there is.Yet, when i google LASIK today  there is no debate over it. I don't see doctors or clinical trials studying long term effects of LASIK on the cornea and quality of vision or if they have studied talking about it and making it known to the general public.The earlier procedure i went through where a corneal flap is cut and cornea is lasered is still being done.Lots of improvement have come up and last i read BLAdELESS LASIK has come up[ unfortunately this procedure hovers around a lakh of rupees for both eyes]

At the time i underwent LASIK, longterm safety effect on eyes were still not known and it seems the case even now. LASIK is purely market driven and it is a cosmetic procedure.


After 15 years,here's the truth about LASIK as i have dealt with:

1. I knew it was a cosmetic procedure. I knew i had to wear glasses after it too.
Here's what doctors didn't tell me:

• That i would have dry eyes for the rest of my life. They told me its mild discomfort for a few weeks after operation. My dry eyes have become only drier over the years. Now with gluacoma medication they are even more dry.Blurry vision because of dry eyes is no fun.
• Eyestrain is real and quicker than if you would normally have according to your age and workload.
• I have double vision in both eyes which has persisted and become worst over the years.Harsh vehicle lights shining still cause discomfort .I don't drive vehicle so i don't really have to deal with this everyday.
• Night vision is poor.
• Overall even though my myopia was high my quality of vision after wearing glasses was quite good.Its not same after LASIK. what with double vision etc.
• LASIK causes permanent changes in the cornea.
• Eyestrain is frequent even reading for an hour is troublesome.Working for long on computers is even more problematic. But I ignore/ manage/sacrifice to work on computer or read or even watch TV. I don't know how long i'll be able to do this.
• Some people get eyepain as a side effect.
• Only now i know Intra ocular pressure readings in LASIKed eyes come inaccurate. And in future cataract operation which practically happens to every one becomes tricky as compared to non LASIKed eyes.
• And after a year of operation, my numbers again increased and little by little they have increased in last 15 years. So its not true when doctors say LASIK results remain stable.I suspect high power or low power most people must be ending up wearing glasses again years and years after LASIK.

My viewpoint: 
LASIK is not easy and sideeffect free procedure that doctors make it out to be.Dry eyes [ google dry eyes for more info] for rest of your life and double vision is really problematic.
Consider LASIK only after careful delibration and only if your numbers are above -8 etc.You will have to wear glasses maybe after LASIK too.Doctors have not really done follow up studies on how many people end up wearing glasses over the years- so the marketing advertisement of 'crystal clear vision','freedom from glasses or contacts' is not true in all cases.


Do LASIK if your eye numbers are high like me especially if cornea and retina are normal but be prepared to live with dry eyes and double vision.

LASIK IS IRREVERSIBLE.

Don't do it because your friend did it. 

If you are managing with specs and contact lens fine, DON'T do LASIK.

Your beautiful clothes.....

Your beautiful expensive clothes ,with all those natural fibers like SILK or Cotton require lot of love and even more care than babies.

Expensive luxury wear is a LOT of work especially if you have never done it, or have neatness, labour gene missing from your life !That's one reason certain things i never buy - but then its me. I don't have time or energy to take care of SILK or even branded zari or gota but then for some occaions you go and buy expensive stuff and then bang your head against the wall if it gets destroyed or fades during washing !

I have few branded stuff which i love that i want to wear preferably till it starts to fall off :P. So i take care of those few things and have learnt taking care of clothes - all kinds of them along the way. I loved wearing clothes but when i was growing up i was a fool [ just like you] and IGNORED what my mom kept saying about clothes.

Then i started embroidering my ridas[ a kind of burqa] and  Mom stitched them...it started because i used to not get adequate cloth in ready to stitch ridas for my height.My height has caused me a lot of woes ! So ,when anybody praises my height [ and not me] i roll my eyes and just laugh a sarcastic laugh !

Anyway ,here's some unsolicited advice for taking care of your expensive, very expensive and hard earned clothes especially things like silk sarees and salwar kurtas. Why ???
Because my heart literally bleeds when you lose your coveted branded apparel just because of your stupidity,ignorance and laziness.

1. Don't buy real silk expensive sarees if you work 10 or more hours daily at your job,travel through public transport and have no MIL/mother at home to help you. And especially if you have children ! Luxury  ,branded attire and silk requires regular attention and care.And even after all the care, one slip up is enough to mess up your silk saree/kurta.

2. Buy if you have good full time help,a nanny for kids when you go out, a proper cool aerated wardrobe/closet where you can hang your clothes or fold and keep them.And if you wear your silk saree/kurtas frequently and often.

3. Buying costly branded apparel means - HANDWASHING !. One item at a time without soaking or using harsh detergents.

4. That's where semi automatic washing machine comes in! It is the gentlest way to wash any clothes however for sarees etc any kind i recommend a bucket with either reetha water or something like Surf Excel Liquid.

5. Dry clean your pure silk sarees - preferably just before you want to wear them so it means no last minute yanking off the pile and wearing it but a lot of planning and trips to your dry cleaner.

6. I don't buy clothes which require dry cleaning- since i make my own kurtas and simple cotton clothes. I buy materials like cotton, khadi etc and soak them for the first time in salt water for half and hour and wash them either in clear shampoo /reetha/ or a bathing soap. Yep, i use bathing soap for first time wash.
But if you buy off the rack dry cleaning may be the only option for you especially if you buy organza,tissue, silk based kurtas.

7. Handwashing delicate and new clothes is a pain. One has to squat in the bathroom fill 2 buckets with water . Wet the clothes and gently apply whatever soap you are using to stains  and then to hemlines ,collar etc.Remember the work required when you buy clothes. Will your maid wash like this ? No !

8.Even when you use semi automatic washing machine don't spin dry more than a 2 minutes for most clothes except towels and bedsheets. Our indian summers and sunlight is great for drying clothes. Especially if you time your laundry post 3pm drying and early evenings.No damage from sun .

It goes without saying treating stains the moment you reach home increases the life of your clothes.Cotton and synthetic are great that way so it lessens your laundry.Yep , the same way removing makeup before you go to sleep is most important.

If you don't want to handwash just dry clean all your costly pieces and sarees. Or do like me- if you are a regular working gal who requires maintenance free clothes buy most of only that.

I like cottons and don't really bother with wrinkles and the rugged and simple look cotton gives.I wear khadi too a lot actually especially things like salwar,kurtas ,pyjamas and sundry. i don't know if its 100% cotton but the cloth i buy from khadi bhandar gets only softer and softer like mulmul after every wash. Don't ask me why ! I have bought cloths of all kind from Gandhi bhandar from 2 different cities and all the kurtas are strong ,with non fading color and no color running. Cotton is not cheap especially 100% cotton.Mangalgiri, kalamkari,bandhani and jaipuri cotton suits if you can get hold of original stuff is great stuff.Terycot[ blended cotton] comes in various qualities...so yeah i have take care of my cotton clothes too.

All in all dressing up is a lot of work !

The curious case of Indian Doctors !

We are surrounded BS in what i call 'Bullshit Age'.Bull shit is most articulately spoken nowadays and educated people are spreading more myths for their personal gains than ever before. You don't need a con artist to swindle you and make you a fool these days! Educated con artists are everywhere !Thanks to MBAs, we even market and advertise myths and lies till they become 'truths' !
Gosh, it'll all come and bite our backsides one day ..........

Seeing that India is making strides economically , the doctors too have jumped in to spread bullshit ,get more lab tests done and generally scare and confuse patients to astronomical heights. These days i long for crisp, practical blunt doctors who will tell you to go home to die if need be !And not run costly tests or use you as scapegoats ! i long for responsible doctors who can examine you and not need hundred tests to find out what's wrong with you. I am sure they are there- those few dedicated brilliant ones !
I stay in quite a big city -Pune so i thought that gimmicky doctors usually ruled in rural  and semi urban areas where well educated population did not exist in high numbers. But recently i went for a routine gynaec exam which somersaulted into an expensive and emotionally draining exercise. I have internet and scientific education at my side so i could get through my doctor's scare mongering and complicated explanations for everything but i wondered how many can navigate the complex Indian doctors.

Not so long ago, doctors were next to God ! Period! The faith people had in doctors and the reverence was next to only GOD !Then why fate loving Indians are becoming more and more cynical about Indian doctors and their way of treating. Professionalism is supposed to be good then why medical profession commands less respect.
Look at my journey- i went to gynaec and told her my Mom's  breast cancer history and asked for routine exam since I am 35.She asked me to get sonography and mammography done. She scared the hell out of me and i spent next 5 days in pure hell. When my reports came normal except for a single cyst on ovary. , she told me we'll need to treat cyst and can't really do much about fibroids in breast and on uterus.
All the while she looks sombre and makes it look like a very big thing. I go to Internet and find many people have cysts in reproductive age and usually smaller ones are only monitored. So she gives 10 days of hormone pills and call me next during my periods. By now, I have already spent 500 on sonography and 1200 in digital mammography and her consultation fees.

I went again today where she prescribed me some pill for 21 days. She doesn't tell me directly that she is giving me OCP - oral contraceptive pill but makes it sound as if its a big, important course of medicine. I speak to her in English and most people can gauge my education through my flawless english so its not that i am a regular middle class woman who wouldn't know ' Oral contraceptive PILL'. Instead, in complicated way she explains how she is giving me tabs to suppress ovary function.Meanwhile, she keeps asking whether anyone has diabetes and blood pressure. Now come one, we are Indians - who doesn't have Diabetes and blood pressure after age 45 in India. What's family history has got to do with it?

I find family history a latest clutch to scare the shit out of patients- you need to be alert and i know few people who are insulin dependent at age 45 without family history of diabetes and people who have got cancer without any family history !By the way, its true certain diseases and disorders are strongly genetically linked- those are genetically transmitted diseases and they are usually the whole different ball game !Cancer in the family only marginally increases risks usually when it comes to breast and ovarian cancer along with other risk factors ! But there are many cancers which can happen to anyone without family histories too !So cancer is a bummer by and large !

On confirming that my Dad has diabetes she writes down a battery of blood tests- Like lipid profile ,TSh,Blood sugar and CA-125.Remember, this is after i have visited her thrice already.

Not only that, she tells me to do this tests at a particular pathology lab nearby. I have visited her in an hospital's OPD - and when i ask her if i can get it done somewhere else, she tells me- ' this is a lab,they do the tests here only while other places collect blood samples and send somewhere else to get the tests done. Now CA-125 is  a costly test- a marker which is elevated in ovarian  tumours but its also present in other indications. So she was asking me to go through a battery of blood tests without any reasons or symptoms but just for the heck of it.

Maybe she thought these tests are routine- people do them anyway in those fancy health checkups packages ...so i might else well make some money out of it !

The point Satyamev Jayate brought out was- what doctors are doing hand in glove with chemists and pathology labs to earn more money through commissions . So i guess , Indian doctors have begun to do away with any propriety and are openly practicing and forcing emotionally the patients to go through tests.These blood tests will cost me Rs1650. I have already spent Rs 2400 on just a regular ovarian cyst.

I have from childhood visited eye doctors because of my very high myopia and now because of Dad's Glaucoma history. There the same story repeats !

I have more than my share of doctors - Indian doctors think patients in india are dumb stupid people ! They don't think its important to 'explain ' or be ' appropriately truthful' to patients. Heck, they don't have time for it !

What i don't understand is why these 'uncaring ,dry and cut people become doctors. In India , its only because of family history- doctor father /mother begets doctors, prestige and to make money.

To make money there are so many professions- you can even eat commissions there and no one will say anything ! Why become a doctor ? Doctors are supposed to be- 'Next to GODs' . That means limited money,only patient's well being in mind and appropriate care and truthfulness. Medicine is the only profession where there is no room for dishonesty- i mean zero !

Its a cycle - Pharma makes drug at pennies ,markets it at thousands,advertises to doctors, chemists get their profits, pathology labs need their full profits plus an extra amount to pay the doctors.So, pharma cos greediness gets passed on !

Just like a toothpaste is made in pennies and sold for 50 times more price- established generic drugs can be provided at fraction of costs- same goes for laboratory tests.And do we even need fancy hospitals to go die or pick up a nosocomial infection - we just need scrupulously clean and well maintained huge hospitals !
I am writing this for 2 reasons- be alert and don't get scared when a doctor scares you- nowadays he is only after your money and in maintaining a corrupt system. I am going to change my doctor and will never recommend her. 

Don't become doctor, or nurse or even physiotherapist to make money especially if you have no empathy or any care giving abilities. Go become a banker/stockbroker or even lawyer for full on cut throat money making spree. Do jobs where you require very little conscience if you don't have any values!

If you are a patient :

Be frank, read on the Internet.I recommend Web MD and Mayo clinic website for appropriate information.Be cynical, doubtful and don't trust a doctor blindly unless of course he has earned your trust !

Ask questions- indian doctors don't answer clearly and frankly ,still do your homework and get second opinions.

Learn to read between the lines- and know your body.

Don't do any tests unless asked by the doctor- Its a waste of money, and unnecessary load. Those preventive health check ups are another money making rackets. And doctors are going to run the tests any way all over again !

 Its only human beings who can see death and disease as profit making business.Since greediness is uniquely human, i really don't see a way out ! Its a jungle out there and the worst animals are humans!!

The Girl revisited ....

Some articles are just well written. Do read this one...lets keep revisiting,let's keep talking about it till something solid and substantial comes out of it.

The Girl Who Fired an Outcry in India

Do you save water ?

Or are you one of the urban higher middle class who use and 'require' more water than the rest of us?
I don't belong to arrogant,impervious,bratty society who doesn't 'wish' to see what happening around the world and their neighbourhood and is busy maintaining her social standards?
   I consciously save as much water as i can. I use only that much that is required.No , i don't face any day to day water cuts or shortages.I stay in a 2 bedroom flat.But yes,i have seen and experienced first hand what 'no water' means.
My early childhood was spent in a South mumbai chawl.Those old buildings where people stay in 2 rooms or 1 room but are lower-middle class not poor !
  Yet ,when i think of water i see my parents climbing 2 floors with buckets in hand. Even after we shifted to Pune 2 decades ago, the first thing my parents did was to install Sintex ka taaki. We still have that taaki in the small bathroom installed on metal bars near the ceiling.Fortunately, we have not faced any water scarcity in so many years.
   I am very thankful for that. I thank God every day that i don't have to fill buckets of water because i don't think i am physically upto lifting weights on daily basis.
   I know 2-3 people like me whose primary concern is how to minimise daily usage of water.In contrast, over the years i have seen maids who throw buckets and buckets of water  to get balconies and bathrooms clean.
  The area where i live now, has become dusty and grimy due to increase in vehicular traffic , new construction - basically 'development' .To make the mall near my house, 1 sturdy very old Pipal tree whose branches came to my 4th floor balcony was cut down and another jungli badam tree and gulmohur[Cesalpinia] were also cut down.No new trees were planted by the builder !
  Maids who themselves wash with very less water [ and soap] because in their slums they have to carry water to their homes suddenly become arrogant and wasteful in memsahibs/ madams hflats and bungalows. They don't want to scrub so they use more soap and then to rinse that soap they run the taps louder.
  We had maids of all caste and creeds in so many years. Only 2 of them didn't waste water and used water judiciously. The last maid I had was like an arrogant cow. I implored her to use less soap and therefore less water and not throw water in the bathroom like a mad woman.But she never listened to me. She continued to keep the tap full on while washing utensils and threw buckets of water to clean the bathroom. My mom was very sick so i had to keep her and also in my past experiences i knew 80% maids waste more water and soaps.
    A week after my mom died, I threw her out ! I use a vacuum cleaner to clean and since the vacuum cleaner[ i have a dry vacuum cleaner] is inefficient in removing grime and stains, I mop the kitchen and doorway areas and balconies every time i vacuum but  i don't mop the entire house all the time.
   The ways in which i try to save water:
1. I don't keep the tap running while i brush my teeth or wash my face. I use a small mug most of the time to gargle or wash my face.
2. I use overhead showers only in hurry or when washing my hair. For day to day baths, i fill a bucket and use that.
3. I use a Gala /Scotch brite mop and use old cotton torn shirts/dresses as use and throw wipes. I usually make pieces of old rags to clean fans etc and don't rewash i just throw them.
4. I wash utensils cleverly- soak them ,clean the grimy bits with stainless scrubber and then wash with green scrub pads. I use liquid gel Vim only.It rinses clean at one go and is very good on hands too.
5. I use a semi automatic washing machine and reuse detergent soak water for atleast 2 load runs. I recommend semiautomatic machine which is the next best option to handwashing. It allows the reuse of detergent water- I run the whites and new clothes first and then put household linen and clothes jeans in second run. I use water in the machine only as required and since i use a good quality washing powder like Surf quick wash , it rinses clean in an single rinse cycle.That's the beauty of using enzymatic detergents.Here i would like to mention that the water quality i get is good so i don't need to use more detergent to get clean clothes. I also prescrub the stains with laundry soap- Foaran. Foaran is an excellent natural soap especially for hand scrubbing and wash.I use the old fashioned biolaundry soap[yellow] from Foaran not the newer syndets cakes !
6. I mop only grimy areas regularly and the kitchen.But i know if you have children at home, you may have to mop the whole flat. Still restrict your maids to mopping the balconies everyday and not throwing water to get the dusty balconies clean . My balcony which gets so dusty and with bird shit that i have to use water once a week with a broom.Still, i use only half a bucket -no more.
6. To clean basins and bath room, i use liquid soap - Cleanol.Its an excellent find. I think its a local liquid soap brand which I found in Dorabjee. It cuts grease which is especially useful for bathrooms and just scrub with the plastic broom and little water gets it clean.
7. For flush tank i have got it adjusted to half the tank of water. So that, it fills only upto half the tank so that not much water is used in a single flush just the bare minimum required.

 As i said, i try and work around to save as much water as possible .And i can do only this much at my end,since rain water harvesting etc is more of a community effort than an individual's.But i believe, if we truly use water as 'a precious' commodity just like our gold and money then i think we'll be much better off. In future, water like other things only higher middle class,rich and superrich and powerful people will own !For the rest of us,God help us !

George Carlin

Amongst some of wise people i have heard and read about, George Carlin is my favourite! If I’m in mood for some philosophy, i watch his stand up acts. He's sarcastic,blunt and uses too many english gaalies which sometimes distract me.

Here are the links to my favourites:

Arrogance of mankind

Stuff

Enjoy !

The Journey

In last two years, i went through a journey where my aim was to look superficially good,colorful and vain. I went from painting only lips to painting eyes,cheeks and face. From owning zero blushes to 3 and also added various lipsticks especially from hues of pink and red and a plum which i avoided earlier since i have dark pigmented lips and because i really have nowhere to wear a red lipstick to !
    Now i wear brighter lipstick even to a supermarket and banks !Earlier i used to care how people would percieve me , now not so much !
      Now my new stress buster is following and reading up 2-3 blogs which i find give honest opinions about make up and skincare products. I instantly readup before i buy if there is a review about it.
      When i started trailing make up blogs a year and half ago my expenditure increased....you know,....'this is a must have' 'this is superlative' and ' oh if you don't wear an aqua blue eyeliner you are definitely missing something" and 'sale at XYZ site'.
  Soon, I realised that on some blogs opinions expressed are vague, superficial and plain bland and orchestrated !. Its like 'everything is ok' and really their categories were 'ok' and 'superlative'. They seem to never ever encounter DUDS !And i used to wonder...hey i have used this product - 'its far substandard in performance both for the price and claims.'
     Eventually reality set in -   I don't really need that super expensive eyeshadow in yellow, parrot green and pink  because i can't really use it daily...infact i won't. Too many rushed mornings, too much work and too many disapproving looks at work and on public transportation!
So untill and unless you are an actress or model- you don't really need gazillion hued eyeshadow palettes. All does an average and above average working brown/ wheatish or fair skin Indian girl needs is a nude to brown eyeshadows and a couple shimmer colours for wedding and parties.
        Another thing i realized- 'hey, you still have to get out of that morning slumber,prepare breakfast, cook lunch and then eat breakfast in time and then get dressed and then comes make up....so ? I never really have the time to blend that stupid foundation which seems to set so fast, forget the prepping and moisturizing ! Oh boy,now i have to hunt for a new foundation which suits my skin colour and blends like a beauty in flat 2 minutes !
Stuff will expire just sitting in the cabinet and accumulating bacteria!

     
When Pond's TM died, i cursed Pond's people ! You see, i have never got a foundation [thanks to ALL salesgirls  and companies in India] which suits my skin to the T. Its not all the gazillion brands even exist in my city for me to try out !
Now i think a perfect foundation is a mirage- you know, the one which blends in 2 minutes,and gives good coverage and is pocket friendly ! Its really not there no matter what all the beauty blogging fraternity says ! Some may work for you not all !And then search begins all over again because companies go ahead and DISCONTINUE products !
        Right now, i do jugaad ! I mix my Panstik with moisturiser and it blends like a dream and i don't bother whether its longstaying or not etc etc.For summers, i have found Revlon's Colorstay for combination skin but i had to get it from Amrika and luckily my guess work paid off and its a perfect match for me. In India, for all makeup companies we fall into : Light/Ivory, Natural Beige , Golden Beige, Dark. That's it !
      My fascination for blushes - well did not exist ! Before now,I had 'blushed' only once or twice for weddings.That too with a lipstick! Now i 'blush' all the freaking time ! And i love it. I blush and blush and then blush some more ! You see, earlier , i had no idea how to apply a blush ! Now I do thanks to Lisa Elridge !
Lipsticks i use more as blush and i love using only one color on my face - on cheeks and lips and eyes. It just looks so much better and wearable,not to mention quick .
      I even use my Lakme Earth trio as eyeshadow - just any one color on eyes, cheeks and lips. For lips i apply plain lipgloss and then dab the powder. I am so much happier because i am going to probably use up all my blushes then just throwing them away !
For skin and hair care, i think beauty blogs could be used only as guidelines- more like introduction to new products in the market ! They are of no help at all since everyone's skin is different and really shampoos and conditioners performance is more dependent on the type of water [ hard,soft or medium] you get in your bathroom , your diet etc !
   I do experiment when i am itching to try new products but i never really deviate from my general rule of thumb: Face wash to only clean face, moisturiser to supply / preserve moisture and sunscreen - well my only criteria to buy suncreen are the suncreen agents used in the formulation,price and feel on the skin. I absolutely hate suncreens which make skin more oily- i am afraid many do ! I just dab powder on -what to do ?
   All in all, i do believe i have become more colorful....but then that's it. People and stuff around me has not changed, neither has my life and its challenges. Applying make up for me is still secondary - i find i am more interested in sewing,cooking and walking ! Nevertheless, when you are down and out and feeling blah....there is something about picking up that lipstick and painting the face. Literally. You can hide behind makeup as long as you want,whenever you want !
Its worth finding that foundation which hides everything with as little work as possible. And its worth finding that lipstick which makes you want to use it everyday no matter what and brightens up your mood.Even if you don't know how to do make up - you could learn. I did ! No, you don't have to follow makeup trends and you definitely don't need eyeliners or lipstick in rainbow colours but you need that one black kohl or dark brown eyeliner and that one lipstick to shine !
Believe me,it doesn't even have to be costly ...it just has to be what you like and love and want out of it !

women and Public space

The main objection of Indian men seems in a narrow concept women sharing more and more of Public spaces which earlier belonged to men. Men think roads ,public toilets,hotels ,airports and everything associated with public transportation is primarily for their daily use. Men in municipality of any city have never thought of making more amenities for women on the move because according to them women don't travel much so they definitely don't need clean toilets at bus depots and local inns.

One way to show equality to women and respect is by sharing of public spaces so that she doesn't feel crippled of travelling because there are no toilets on the roads,safer and friendlier modes of transportation so she doesn't feel that she cannot travel in public transport at 11pm because she'll be the only women  amongst men.

Men don't understand the kind of restriction on movement women have to face because of their staring and leering and catcalls and snide remarks or patronizing tone.

Read this blog post about women in public space and about the book Why Loiter HERE

indian men - 1

Here is the view of Anna Vetticad, journalist and a woman who probably works odd hours,and is 'independent' in aftermath of Delhi rape case.Worth a read !

if-i-went-to-the-delhi-cops-every-time-i-was-sexually-harassed-id-have-no-time-for-anything-else

Let's keep talking about sexual violence that happens to girls and women of all ages in india and how society condones it , how plain wrong attitudes and 'culture' condones it. Let's keeping talking about it till- something changes drastically. Till Indian men stop enjoying the pain of Indian women after they abuse, molest and dish out second class treatment to their women in their every day lives.Till Indian men and women stop blaming victims and instead speak to their boys and pull them up for their bad behaviour !

Let's keep talking!Make noise !

The necessary stuff

There are so many things we need on day to day basis.Sometimes the need is just one time use and then things just keep lying around and accumulate. We accumulate stuff. Sometimes just to please our vanity and sometimes on impulse we accumulate, gather and then we buy some more.

We indians were about recycle reuse and using things till its either broken down or till we find no use for it. We were ok with using second hand stuff ,sisters and brothers wore each other's clothes.Sometimes when you are lucky one rarely needed to buy those one time use items.

What happened? Americans are shifting away from consumerism and blatant mall culture and here we are lapping up more and more stuff. We buy and then we throw.China made items in all budgets have enabled everyone to buy everything brand new so even maids,drivers, watchmen are very reluctant to take all kinds stuff off your hands.What i have seen is they take only utensils,only barely used clothes and clothes in recent fashion. In short they take stuff that they can sell or currently use!

Only the very poor in India are willing to wear your pricey good quality second hand clothes ! There is absolutely pithy second hand value for plastics,some value for metals and i don't even know where one can sell second hand clothes. Everything used has become scrap. Or may be we are told so by savvy marketeers.

I am tired of clutter ....what i would really like is bare open well lit house with well placed wardrobe, linen closet and well designed bathroom. Only required furniture and a sit down baithak. I like to sit down so a baithak with pillows is very important.

I reuse ,recycle and upcycle.I do things which i can and make stuff mostly at home. I buy what i really really need and make place for it by removing other stuff. I like stuff one can wash and reuse.....less load on the environment.I would like to give away or sell many more stuff but i don't know where.

Do's if you want to lessen all kinds of clutter at home

1. Those B1G1 deals.....not a good idea atleast 90% of the time. Think carefully you are spending bloody so much that's why they are giving you that kind of deals.Chances are you'll use one stuff and probably get bored over time and not want to use the same 'free' item.Another bad deals are those buy at Rs xyz and get p, q and r free ! Those big jars with tonnes of product at discounted price which you may not use completely or it may expire before you finish it!
2. Online sites i have seen have increased free shipping quota.At first they sold at MRPs and had free shipping at Rs 250 or 300.That was fine. But now most of them have made Rs 500 for free shipping and plus a COD charge. So untill and unless your item is not available in your city, its pointless to bill uptill Rs 500 for one Rs 125 product you really need and which happens to be 5 rs off.
3. I don't buy clothes online because they are more expensive ,less variety and for my body and height type inappropriate. I don't trust the sites. In real life too,when one goes to the shop there is so much BS by the salesman about material, how many meters that trusting info on sites is too much for me.Buying clothes online may be appropriate for people who are of standard size and heights.
4. Amnesia: We forget that its already there in the house, or your husband or dad forgets. And then we have two or even three of the same items. So trim and recheck your closets,wardrobe periodically and share. Do you really need one more green color dupatta when you rarely wear dupattas? See if you can exchange ,share with mom,sisters etc. Old stuff especially your mom's is in and something like sarees you can probably even upcycle to salwar kameez or skirts.
5. Useless gifts: Repack and gift them to someone who may use or even needs it.People usually gift when there is any occasion but for small things you can gift any ways.You can even ask your friends or family if they want stuff you don't want.This is getting difficult i know.........because many people associate respect with ability to buy or don't like to take unwanted gifts.This is the main reason i gift only money or gift vouchers now.
6. If you have a small family and no time to clean, sort food grains,spices etc buy only those things in bulk which you'll sort and can keep pest free.Rest of the food stuff buy when you need or want to cook.This will reduce your load,keep kitchen pest free and reduce clutter.
7. If you are fashion conscious and love to wear different kinds of attire, ladies ...things can get pretty much out of hand. As women, our weights keep fluctuating and very few of us can go back to previous weigths.That means, blouses will get tight beyond extra silai and ready made clothes  DO NOT have extra seam which one rip and adjust.So if you wear ready made kurtas buy probably 2-3 a year and wear them off ! Don't hoard because local fashion changes every year. Buy stuff which will ease into your daily style and fashion and which you can wear off. If you are extremely fashion concious you'll probably accumulate more than you need. The tailoring costs for blouse and salwar kameezes are rocketing so can you imagine the amount you spend and then actually wear ?
8. If you are neat and tidy and handwash silks and good pure cottons and take good care of your clothes chances are they are going to last long. I recommend washing machine and semi-automatic at that to a bai ! Please wash your silks, embroidered clothes,woolens in reetha/Ezee/clear Shampoo.

wil mindsets change?

Will Indian mentality change? Maybe in another 100 years? maybe when there is certain amount of erosion of 'plain wrong' 'values and traditions'.Or may be when women become dying extinct species in India !

Overheard in Pune's PMT bus..........

Lady:[in marathi- i am transliterating] get up. Ladies seat.
Man:[ seating in ladies seat ]: ladies seat ...so what do i do..i am going to get up after few stops,sit that time.
lady: [to the conductor]: see, what he is telling..
Conductor: Oh ,you have sat uptill now na...chala chala get up.

The man mutters under his breath and gets up and vacates the seat.

Just few stops away i was standing there and i didn't even know that ladies seat enforcement was even being done seriously in Pune PMT. When it was introduced in pune nearly 5-6 yrs back, men resented it. Like stubborn asses, they refused to get up from marked and allocated seats. Now the buses have gone to the dogs and most markings have disappeared.As far as i know, ladies have stopped asking men to get up from ladies seat.Men still stubbornly occupy them.Conductors and PMT doesn't care.

After all this drama,an extra smart gentleman with a 10-12 yr old son in tow starts his monologue.He goes like this:

Man: [in educated marathi] There is ladies bus na to Hadapsar.Ladies should travel in ladies bus so they reach safely and men too can comfortably travel.

Conductor didn't reply back.

The point is not that men don't deserve comforts....but how much ? They are physically stronger than women.They use their physical strength and boast about it and show off whether in sports, office and at home.Yet, ALL the unpaid work is done by women.They come home to housewives, clean house, fed and bathed children and home-cooked food all free of cost and yet they grudge the basic rights of women which were anyways theirs to take.When it comes to sharing of 'outside the home' spaces, the hearts of Indian men shrink to minuscule level. They DON'T want women to share all their spaces: office, playgrounds, pavements ,public transports.They think all this belongs only to them that's why the few times i have travelled with my Dad in Mumbai locals they have pointedly told me that 'there are women coaches'.

Pune men are even more smart: they want women to wait for rare ,once in 5 hours PMT -only women bus so that they [men] can travel in peace !

a person died........

      the Delhi student who was gang-raped died at early hours today in Singapore...and Delhi police ramped up and secured vital points of Delhi and made some zones inaccessible to protestors.This is what Delhi police can do ! Probably ,anywhere in India police would do the same ! The police personnel are probably wondering what is the hullabaloo is all about. After all, it was not a terrorist attack ! just some girl raped.......died.

        Girls die all the time in India.True, men die too !But in India and other developing countries,women die mostly because of trauma, abuse and incredible hard lives...that's the difference !

I am for capital punishment for rape and castration for minor rapists. Rape also could be made non- bailable offence! The noose could be tightened and made so tight that men in India would think thrice before taking advantage of women in vulnerable areas and positions.

The men who commit rape should not be allowed to cover their faces in public.Their names should be printed and paraded about.

For medieval mindsets and patriarchal norms in India , we need medieval punishments and deterrents. Otherwise apathetic men and women like Kakoli Ghosh will continue to spout bakwas and remain in power !

If capital punishment is made for rape,it may not stop rape but it might motivate Indian men and women to bring up their sons more responsibly and may instill more confidence in women to move about freely in this country. The girl died ....and this has instilled fear in parents of girls and indian women of all ages.

If nothing is done about this Indian women will live in fear and rapists and indian men and women with patriarchal mindsets would have won.......................by a huge margin !

outrage

I have been following the increasing outrage and public protest  over the gang rape of the 23yr old student.While she copes bravely and according to televised reports is mentally stable and coping with her injuries,Delhi's young are out on the streets.

And that's good ! Majority of protestors are young people ! That is a good sign ! Why are there not similar public protests against the police,lawmakers, law enforcers and finally Government all over India ?

Are police and bureaucrats only there to make 'money' while they hold Government offices ? The aam admi like me and you are hassled everyday by this 'democratic' governance which quietly accepts bribes and tokens and gifts just to do their work.
And then that too they don't do properly!

Police force is dominated by men.They always have been since so many years. Couldn't they be sensitized towards crimes against women? How many more years will that take ? And meanwhile, do they expect women to keep quiet and not demand justice and suffer in silence ?

Police women [ the few there are] are useless and unkind to other women so clearly being a woman in law enforcement will not guarantee anything !

Rape is not just about sex. Men don't understand RAPE !For them its sex at ALL costs ! Women who bring up sons need to drill in their minds that touching a woman without her consent is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Parents who bring up sons need to drill this again and again and again till their sons get this message. It needs to start at the very young age.

Please talk about sex to your sons or go to a doctor who can answer all questions about it.Teach your daughters to not be coy or mistake possessiveness for love and not flirt for favours !
Lastly, stop ostracizing rape victims ! Its not her fault even if she wore short skirt, went out alone with the guy on a date,or just trusted a friend.Its not her fault if the husband didn't understand 'No', or that leech of an uncle took advantage of her young age of 3.

Ostracize the rapist not the victim ! If Police force of India CANNOT respect women and do their jobs then may be we don't need this kind of lethargic police force !

As a nation, India has failed ! Indian women are still going around in circles of Indian culture,values,responsibilities with a whole lot family honour dumped on her frail shoulders !

Indian men

Men don't care about rape .Indian men more so !No wonder when heinous rape cases make headlines...most men keep quiet and slink away. Women get angry and depressed and sometimes both!

Women get afraid ..Indian women are habituated and trained to live in fear. So much so when brave Indian women live on their own and are actively choosing their virtues and vice , indian men have a problem with it.They don't want indian women to breathe ,live and be happy without them. They just want them to cook,clean and breed for them without asking questions.

Indian men talk a lot about culture.... they make sure their wives and daughters remain within 'culture'then they go out of their homes and stare and stare at every passing woman.Some men think its alright to stare and make the indian woman uncomfortable!

Here i want to tell you my experience. I went on religious trip to Kerbala [Iraq] 2 years ago with my Mom and Dad. From the moment I stepped on battle weary and bombed Iraq,i experienced a freedom of different kind...the men there [Muslim majority country] didn't grope me,not one stared at me, didn't bore into my eyes while talking to me.I was a foreigner there wearing a colorful rida among their women in sea of black.

They were gruff and aloof and mostly avoided talking to us [ though Iraqi women did talk with us indian women in the mausoleums].But not one man made me feel conscious of being a woman the whole 12 days i was there.I felt free in a burkha clad Iraqi city.That is what i still have to feel in India !

Indian men are socially warped..because they want to cover up their women in the name of culture and then go out of their homes and tear off clothes of a woman and rape her because her jeans was too tight or skirt too short.
I think its not about clothes because even saree clad women and salwar kameez wearing women are raped in India.

Women and men in India are bringing up boys too lightly,too much undisciplined.Mothers don't know what their sons are upto.Parents here hide the son's faults, don't give stricter punishments. Something is fundamentally wrong with Indian society and the way its brings up its children especially men.

Men are not gods, a solution to all your problems,woman!Recognize what harm your son is capable of .Instead of insisting he becomes a MAN,just insist he becomes a human being...a decent one at that !

Stop sweeping everything under Indian values and culture.

heart attacks and women

Most of the women live in the knowledge that 'heart attacks [ congestive heart failure,myocardial infarction ] are 'MEN'S DISEASE'.
Years and years of magazine articles and health spreads of everyday newspapers have gone on and on about symptoms of heart attacks in men.

Here is a talk from TED which will quickly dispel all your myths !
health threat women face

The moot points are :

In men, heart attacks are loud, quick and painful.Yes , groping left arm pain and chest pain and when they are rushed to hospitals and when labs are done most indicators are high which gives a clear indication of an heart attack.

In women, signs are subtle, chest pain  may be there or not or even slight. Some experience conflicting symptoms like nausea and uneasy sensation or giddiness. And the cardiac indicators on the lab tests are not high enough sometimes to cause alarm in the doctors .So diagnosis is poor. So in a women it largely goes undiagnosed on time and treatment modalities are also not as effective as in men.

The good news is in India doctors have woken up and are aware that women present heart disease symptoms in different ways and are actively and seriously looking when women come with even a minor chest discomfort or other symptoms.

What can women do for themselves ?

1. Recognise the new stats and be aware . In india breast cancer is still a greater killer in women because of late diagnosis in most cases. Similarly be aware and take care of your heart.Do those preventive health check ups.

2. In India more and more women are working late hours, are doubly stressed..........and more importantly we have to fight for everything that is actually is our God given rights. India is not the best place to be a women but i'm hopeful that things might change. In india women work in the house and outside while roles of men are still only as breadwinner. I know being a care taker is hardwired in our DNA but take good care of yourself too. Don't blame yourself,feel guilty or ashamed and if you do actively try to learn skills to combat these feelings.Don't be in hurtful relationships or friendships.Don't care what others are telling especially those who point fingers at you and trying to make you feel bad by judging you.Don't lose yourself in trying to be a good wife ,good DIL or daughter or even a mother. Ask the men in your lives to help you. Bringing up children and running a household is even his responsibility. Seriously, having children and how many and even marriage is a choice.Women face the brunt of pregnancy and bringing up children so its only your choice alone.

3. In india,in conservative households, leftovers are mostly eaten by women and fresh food is given to men. While there is nothing wrong in eating leftovers, make sure its eaten by all or make food only in required quantities. This requires paradigm shift because i have seen women are in charge of cooking and preparing food in such households yet they treat themselves like this.Hold men to different standards: If a man cries or helps in the kitchen, cooks food,cleans the house and is vocal about his feelings.... ITS GOOD !He doesn't become less of a man in any way.If you want to be treated equal and want gentler men , stop saying boys don't cry and bring up boys like human beings instead of MEN !

4. Go for your walks. Instead of taking a rick for 2kms walk if you have the time. Take stairs instead of lifts. Exercise. More and more women have pauch just like men because they have stopped doing physical work and are sitting in office and working on computers.Go do your errands and make the men in your life too and even your children otherwise how they will learn to maintain an active physical life.The funny thing is even maids i see these days are fatter !
The only way to increase stamina unfortunately is 'resistance'- when you strain against something or pull weight ! So don't be afraid to pick up heavy bags or stuff untill and unless you have been told by doctors not to !

5. Don't try to be like men...they are NOT very good role models! Smoking ,drinking,drugs,chewing tobacco and paan masala give the same high to women and men. But women physiology is different then men.These substances when consumed will affect and lead to horrible diseases !So not worth it !

6. In india,men are not trained in household chores by their mothers so for some women it becomes double work of working outside and then doing household chores too. So either spend on help [ which is a different pain in itself- finding good reliable help] or plan to do only this much and delegate other work to husbands and kids.While you are at it make sure you teach your sons and daughters to cook and clean up after themselves if nothing else !

7. Why do i stress on learning to cook- hey its directly related to your health. You decide which oil you use and how much. You decide how to cook a certain vegetable and how much. How much personalization will an eatery,cook or even a fancy dabbawallah give you ? So untill and unless you are a millionaire with an obedient and health conscious cook who will minutely follow your instructions you better learn to cook whether you like it or not. Eating junk food and surviving on maggi all the time because you won't cook or won't make time for cooking your meals will directly affect your health and weight.

8. Make informed choices that are good for you. Don't just do what others expect of you.I know for most women this is very difficult especially simpler, meek and gentle natured women.Do only stuff which makes you feel good and not used.And making these choices is going to be a constant battle.If you are gentle and trusting as person, predatory men and women will try to undermine you in different ways and complicate your life.

All time favourite songs

I have always been extremely particular about what music i listen to. Mostly i have been neurotically loyal and fastidious about what i really like. Goes without saying i don't listen to what i 'tolerate' or don't like. Well , that's why i usually don't listen to Radio until and unless i remember when my favourite tracks are played.
 I have a huge list of favourites. India's musical legacy is so rich and diverse that there is so much of variety to listen to and like.

The list is in no particular order :

1. Suriili Akhiyon wale- Rahat fateh ali khan. Like his father Nusrat fateh ali khan[ who is my favourite too] his voice is like silk and very suited to melodies. I like his other songs too but Surili akhiyon wale is ethereal and the music is superb.

2. Mirza Ghalib's nazms sung by Talat mahmood and Jagjit Singh. I am crazy about Talat Mahmood's and Jagjit Singh's voice. They have sung lots of ghazals and nazms and really for Mirza Ghalib who better than these two.

3.Music from Hindi film industry especially of 70's and before holds a special place in my heart. There are some movies which are known more for the exceptional music and beautiful songs. My favorites are Guide,Arth,Bazaar,Ghar,Anubhav,Ijaazat,Aandhi,Teesri Manzil,Umroa jaan, Pakeezah and Bandini.I have grown up listening to these songs and they are part of my childhood.

4. ABBA,Nazia Hassan,My fair Lady,Cliff Richards,Sting,Eagles,Ronan Keating -These too form a part of childhood and youth.i am not fan of hard rock and couldn't really bear the loud music in discotheques. But i love disco,jazz. In pain ,sadness ,failures and disappointments ABBA has stood me through. Not many people know that whenever i feel pain and am hurt...Dancing Queen plays in my head automatically. That is the way i go past that pain /hurt. I still blast ABBA as loudly as i can to block out pain and hurts. I want to be buried with ABBA and Beethoven's 9th Symphony playing in the background if it would be possible!

5.Beethoven's symphonies,Joplin, Rachmaninoff- I have heard a few pieces of western classical but am no expert on it.Beethoven is my newest love. I have heard Beethoven more and seem to instinctively drawn to his music- angst and pathos . His 9th Symphony is favourite from what i have heard so far.

6. Deewana by sonu nigam. This album is my favourite of this singer. Each and every song.

This list is no way complete.There are so many gems which are waylaid..........

What are your favourites ?

Ode to Mom

My Mom was superhuman. You see all those moms in Bollywood films pushing cloth through the sewing machine sadness writ large on her face ....well sewing machine part is where the similarity ends.Instead imagine my mom . ....Cutting pattern for colorful frocks, dainty midis, tops for skirts and even school uniforms and she worked in between preparing meals,praying and shopping for groceries !

My mom made sewing looked pretty and a breeze. I have always seen her cheerful and slowly working away on a dress or punjabi.Earlier i was too young to understand the kind of hard work and intelligence that went in sewing clothes not just kaam chaloa but beautiful and dainty which looked like branded ready-mades.

Now that I sew myself i know how much work it is to make a perfect kurta which looks like  ready-made. I am my Mom's daughter as i grow older i am more her than ever before. I started sewing properly 5-6 year ago- from knowing nothing to actually sewing garments !My journey is still on. I have never been to classes. i learnt from books, and by actually doing the old fashioned way !

I regret the nakhras i did.. when i got older. the neck is too small ,its not the color  i want ..its not the style i want. When i look back now, i guess i was spoiled because i have grown up wearing pretty frocks,skirts salwar kameez made by mom. Now that mom was growing older, and I taller, and with 2 other daughters i guess life took a toll on mom.

When i see clothes in the market today ...everything in malls is boring and absolutely with almost zero patterning and outrageously costly at that. i sew simple kurtas with trimmings , lace and that too looks flamboyant compared to those available in malls.

Nowadays i feel i wear simpler kurtas than i wore in my teenage and early 20's - Mom made so much more intricately patterned kurtas and salwar kameezes when we grew up.Sigh ! I have lots too learn in sewing to be as good as Mom. I wish i had started sewing earlier.

My sisters i feel are dressed even more poorly when it comes to indian wear.They buy off the shelf because they don't know sewing and i guess not interested either.There is nothing wrong in that but i feel sad because we have Mom's legacy - when we were poorer my mom made us look like Rich man's daughters-always dressed well.She utilised every scrap and every half metre of cloth remaining to make us and the house look good.

I recycle clothes usually those which are still strong and barely used- just like mom. Instead of throwing away unwanted barely used clothes we can turn them into some new clothing or a bag or something . Possibilities are endless ! Sometimes i get overwhelmed and do give away because you guessed recycling requires lot of creativity, imagination and proper planning. Since i am not married,i don't have kids i can make pretty frocks for and therefore recycle at a faster rate ! :-P

Mom i miss you and wished i had started sewing under you earlier and therefore for a longer period of time !

Curioser curioser

Eid ul- fitr comes every year and everyone who knows me knows that I am muslim.Colleagues over the years have seen me fasting if not praying namaaz over the years at office premises.

Nowadays eid is fitfully given some media coverage over news channels and practically everyone in government jobs enjoys eid holiday and so do those in schools and colleges.

And yet, people forget to wish me 'eid mubarak'. They do not forget to ask for sheer kurma and seviyan[ especially the colleagues] but they don't want to come home for it.Most them can't even remember to say two words' Eid mubarak'.

Over the years , i hadn't realized this and used to always ignore this but it has piled on.Most of my non muslim friends do not wish me on eid . Years ago i used to go out of my way to wish 'happy diwali and send ecards  so they receive on the main day ,used to call up and wish happy diwali first but nobody did the same to me on eid. It struck me one day ...that my friends who belonged to 'majority' knew nothing about my religion and were not even interested to know. They were happy with very superficial knowledge which media like newspapers or TV dispersed. They were not interested my festivals...and funny thing is all my friends and acquaintances are educated and well to do.

They know about sheerkurma and seviyan but they don't wish on eid !I know they know because they ask for it ! They know there are two eids in a year  but most don't know which one is which ! This is sheer ignorance when even an average 'uneducated' muslim knows  a lot about Diwali, holi, raksha bandhan and christmas. Muslims are largest minority in India its high time the majority took some pains to get to know us well.

Anyway, i had to unwillingly reach to a conclusion and make a decision. Now i wish only those people 'Happy Diwali' and 'Merry Christmas' who wish me 'eid mubarak'.Sounds petty, I know but i have been going out of my way for years and years.

Lessons that ought to be taught at school

Exams have been done away at school or so i have been told. The small shoulders of school going children can carry only so much.The argument was competition for more and more 'marks' was driving Indian parents mad who in turn drove children mad and suicidal !

How about a volte face? Why not teach the children at school both at primary and secondary the life skills and habits that will actually do them good.
When i was in school we had moral science  and art and craft as a subject. In senior years[ VII,VIII,IX  and X] we girls at this convent school were taught basics of cooking and sewing with cold zeal but nevertheless a subject where one could get marks in SSC.

I can personally vouch that all the skills which i actually use i learnt at school. I didn't have to but it just turned out that way.There was way more innocence and respect for authority and we had okay teachers - most of them were average and lazy but there were 3-4 who were really good and most importantly kind ! Our class room size was around 50-60.

I or my sisters [we all studied in the same school] never really had issues with studies . We were hardworking, quiet students and we scored more than 85 % always.We got plenty of certificates for best student and one my siblings got them every year for every subject. My parents were cool,non competitive and naive.They thought we are scoring well so career wouldn't be a problem. Of course they were wrong : getting a job and advancing in a career for a Muslim woman was rarer and still rare in India.

Most people like to blame Muslims for lack of education .Look around there are so many educated muslims but they are still a rarity in Government jobs and muslim woman is just a statistic when it comes to competitive job markets. There is still no affirmative action as such for poor muslims.Thank god India's economy opened up .. now a muslim has equal chances in private sector. Atleast an educated muslim will get a job even if he has no contacts ! In india ,most muslims are business men : you can work and pray on your premises without the majority looking at you suspiciously or worst distrusting you just because you pray namaaz.

So here's what i think ought to be taught in school along with history and maths because from my experience i know a few years down the line when adulthood and responsibility stares down at you, you 'd wish for better coping skills and life skills.

1. Money management:
    From what i have seen around me: parents these days spoil their children silly.   They talk the language of money. They bribe and console with money. And then they are surprised why their children turn up the notch and heckles and are spoilt rotten !In some cases they have no respect for parents anymore.

Money just buys comfort and not happiness. Its value is only 'ascribed value'. Its only important when you don't have much or less of it.I think schools should take up teaching money management depending on their ages because most children learn nothing about it at home.

2. Moral science: I know ,...why do we need morals ? Disgusted as we may be with what is happening in India at present i doubt if present generation of kiddies are getting any moral education at home. There is no nani or dadaji to teach ethics and in some cases parents themselves have sketchy moral boundaries. nowadays, dadi or nani don't interfere in their grand children's upbringing in urban homes so as to not have clashes with the daughter in laws. Mothers don't have time to teach morals and Indian fathers [most of them] as usual do only one work: earning money and then sit and watch TV.

We used to have community living and moral science classes uptill sixth std. I was ok with those classes while i remember most of girls used to groan and complain because they used to not even pick up their plates at home and here in school we had to weed out gardens, water plants etc

3. Good manners:
   yep,strange as it may sound it would do well to teach very young boys and girls good manners at school. Nobody teaches their children to say thank you and sorrys strictly at home barring a few well mannered parents. Well mannered parents rarely translate into well mannered and conscientious children.It'd do world of good if guys were specifically told that urinating on the road as a norm is not ok and neither is clutching their private parts. Eve teasing is not ok. I think Indian boys are brought up very lethargically by parents when i think bringing up boys is a challenge in India today. One has to just look around and there are so many negative role models for guys. Girls are usually brought up like second class citizens and told to sit and talk and laugh in certain way. Be truly equal and teach the boys too !

5. Life skills:
      Cooking and bit of sewing, how to pay bills,How to buy and how to save . How to say no, how to be assertive, how to differentiate between good and bad, about consequences

We had knitting and crochet classes one year, art and craft another and i did what i wanted to do unabashedly. it helped my Mom knew sewing. But if i didn't have those classes at school , the germ of doing something with our own hands would not be sown in my head. I have knitted 5 sweaters in last 15 years, made atleast 17 salwar kameezes in last 5 years and countless repairs and alteration and mending.I Embroidered 7 ridas and 2 punjabis. I learnt the basics of embroidery, fabric painting and sewing at school. i doubt i would have done so much if i had not learnt in school. Sewing is delightful and instantly empowering !

And yeah teach the boys too. Teach them cooking and mending pro-actively so that they 'll see women less as housekeepers and more of human beings !At the same time they become self reliant and not mama's boys remembering mummy for only food and housekeeping !

advice

We all love giving advice especially non-tailored random advice. And especially advice the knocks of life that we went through made us learn. i was very big on giving advice when i was in college and more so in my early twenties. I am generally an outspoken and opinionated person who unfortunately was always well read in her life so giving sage advice came easy to me merely on heresy.
Now, i know how stupid that was...just because you happen to read a lot and therefore know a lot more doesn't qualify you to give advice. But old habits die slowly and sometimes not at all and therefore this blog. This blog is only about one thing which in real world matters 0.00001% - my opinions !

The first people who disregarded my advice were my sisters. They rebelled ,ignored and generally dismissed my advice on anything without even listening. But they did that with my parents too.That put me in my place but at that time i didn't realize that i have to stop giving advice to deaf ears ! Years went on, and it slowly dawned onto me that they don't want good and bad advice from me or my parents.  My mid 20s and late 20s and early 30's now were full of turmoil. I couldn't catch a break. Nothing was working out of me and then my mom fell horribly sick never to stand up again. I am running house ,cooking and cleaning buying groceries from last 6 years full time.  I am unappreciated and zombied and suddenly i realized i stopped giving much of advice from last 5-6 years to anyone !
A cruel reality is that my so called blood sisters who are now 30 and 33 don't do or take up responsibility even when told or specially asked and they have conveniently put all on me because i am unmarried and staying with parents.
 So prerequisite of giving advice is to assume the person whom you are giving advice is dumb, innocent, vulnerable....and as in my case this might not be true at all !
Now, my advice is not to give advice at all until and unless the other person begs for it ! Of course, this is only in real life. Blogs, your writings  and other creative outlets are strictly your domain so you can dole out advice by liters if you want !

Yet, old habits die real slowly and since nicotine like patch is not available for advice giving, arguing and anger i have consolidated few things i 'll never say to close or random people after a lot of thought now ! There are some advice in this list which i have never said because they have never appealed to me and there are some which i was guilty of.

1. Be positive : i mean what does it anyway mean except a blood group ! This is the example of a total random thing to say.Its patronizing and condescending and when you tell someone to ' be positive' you have assumed the worse about the other person's frame of mind. As far as my experience goes most people including the sad, alone ones are usually hoping for the positive in every outcome of their lives. The depressed,disillusioned and sick are fighting their negativity in their lives - all they need is support and understanding. Saying  'be positive' is unhelpful and cruel to this group of people and a short cut !
2. Why don't you do this /that to your face , wear this or that !: yeah seriously, are you a trained fashion designer or an expert ? Even the experts don't open their mouths untill they are paid for it ! I mean, women get so vicious about other women that they run them down behind their backs ,make fun of them . Get this, people like and unlike you on basis of clothes you wear or don't wear , how much make up you wear or don't wear are talking because of their insecurity. Just let it slide off your back like Aishwarya does and you have won !
3. Why don't you eat less and work out and become fit ? : Women all over the world hear this a lot ! In India, we go a step ahead and decide arranged marriages and dowry on how fat or thin the girl is ! Your body will tell you when you go overboard, there'll be a wakeup call someday when you have been substituting food and pastries for emotions and happiness. But sadly, this is one thing which you have to decide yourself. Enough is enough you'll say and make lifestyle modifications to become fit. I think this is the only area where only parents can nudge and not 'push' for superficial reasons like marriage or sex appeal.
4.  Why don't you try more, work harder ! : There is this notion in India that people who don't try or work harder are unsuccessful and less rich. This is the next most random advice doled out by successful and rich people and those who maintain status quo. People don't realize that they have struck out part by working for it, luck and by being in the industry which pays well just by being at the right time. I suspect many Indians already know this and that 's why most Indians push their children and pay through their noses to make them doctors, lawyers and engineers !There are people who have to struggle for every morsel and every opportunity and still they die without breaking even !So just thank your lucky stars and shut up !
5. Respect him/ her they are older to you:  This advice is harmless and mostly results in uthak- baithak ! Respect is earned  so how much however you tell someone to respect someone the truth is all the salutations from young to old and junior to senior is only superficial and just good manners ! The British made the distinction between elaborate good manners and respect early on ! :-P
6. Don't cry: ........or boys don't cry ! I have never been guilty of saying this to anyone since i am a big cry baby myself. And i think boys could do with little bit of crying now and then ! 
7. Arrey, be happy and laugh na:  ....
   Or other form is you have so much going for you, be happy. Sages and wise people of the world have died saying this: you can't make someone happy or sad. So how meaningless it is to tell someone that they 'should be enjoying ,laughing and being happy just because they have xyz things and you don't [ the advice giver]

 See, after this list there doesn't remain anything to give advice on! Remember however, you may not give advice but you set boundaries what you'll tolerate and how much So opposite of advice i think is to set boundaries so human interaction don't grate on your nerves ! I have learnt about boundaries the hard way. Maybe some other time i'll talk about boundaries !