Ali and Sarah

I've gotten used to traveling alone. When i was a kid, I used to love traveling by train . Not anymore. The burgeoning crowds everywhere gets to me.Everywhere I turn and look around there seem to be zillion faces passing by and I seem to be literally dashing somebody or the other while i drag my luggage. My train to Bangalore stood there in an ominous line of blue. For the first time, I was travelling by AC coach. No big deal ,except , its middle of a pretty cold December ! I found my compartment and settled into my window seat. It was around 3pm and in few minutes the train would leave. I shivered while peering drowsily out of the glass covered window. Bored, I looked around and examined my fellow passengers .There was only a very old couple opposite to me,sitting cross legged and speaking a strange language.
The train is pretty empty , I mused. In India, there are very very rare days when you could find a train running relatively empty and the reason for an uncrowded train are usually dark and ominous .I racked my brain for one such reason, however none dawned to me !

Suddenly, I felt a pair of eyes looking at me .A tall broad shouldered man peered at me through his glasses while he removed the haversack from his shoulders. He slid his sack below the seat and sat down next to me unbuttoning his suede coat.

“ Gosh,..Made it”,he said ,apparently to me while I stared blankly at him for a second or two. The train slowly started to pull out of the station.
“Good ! The train is literally empty”, He exclaimed ,looking around satisfactorily .
I turned away however it began to dawn to me that he was no stranger. In fact, he seemed familiar. Nevertheless , I ignored him while he shuffled in his seat ,removing a magazine from his satchel ,cleared his throat loudly.
“Where are you of to ?”
I turned towards him and asked ,”I beg your pardon !”
He gave me an impish smile and repeated” Where are you going?”
“Bangalore”, I replied.
“Oh great ! Me too”, he gushed warmly.
I tried to smile weakly at his response.Cautiously, I asked,”Do we know each other ?”
He stared at me for a moment and pursed his lips." Ah, you don't remember me ? No problem, ...well, I had hoped you would but since you don't,.....my name is Ali. I had come to your place exactly 2 years ago with an aunty who does matchmaking,- umm.., I've forgotten her name.I had come to see you and you refused me !
He said all that in a single breath,taking me totally by surprise. I felt colour rising to my cheeks while i jogged my memory. I looked around, hoping no one had heard him since we were talking in English.

Screwing my eyes, I looked at him and then I remembered him. It was weird. Almost immediately, I began to remember the sober meeting. It was the usual meeting which happens in arranged marriages. I didn't remember the details but I remembered why i had refused him.Usually,I forget names,phone numbers, birthdays,errands but remember faces,incidents - both happy and tragic very clearly, especially if reminded about them.

The train was well on its way. He looked at me again and asked,”By the way, I am going to Bangalore to speak about my invention. I made a contraption. Do you remember ? I'm a mechanical engineer.

I smiled weakly at him and mumbled,”Sounds interesting !”
He removed India Today from his satchel and turned the pages rapidly. After a sketchy perusal , he looked at me and asked.” How about you ? Why are you going to Bangalore?”

I didn't wish to speak to him anymore. I secretly wished I could disappear. Twenty two hours of train journey with him next to me scared me out of my wits. I put on my best 'serious cum unfriendly ' face and answered,” A trip. My sister lives there".

He nodded his head and fumbled through the magazine as if trying to formulate his thoughts.
“By the way, why did you refuse ?”

It was a shocker.I consider myself a straightforward person but asking such a question point blank after two years is something even I wouldn't do.I put up a straight face and turned to gaze at the passing farms and green fields.

“ I'm just asking”,he shrugged his shoulders and continued,” in these kinds of marriage meets,no one gives any reason.you know,..the reasons which accompany a no is really bullshit.”
I looked at him and said,”I know.. all the same ,how does it matter ?”
His dark brown eyes bored through his glasses at me and cried,” Arrey! How come it doesn't matter? After I met you, I started making plans. ... I never had made those kinds of plans earlier. I mean, i hadn't met any girl which forced me to make plans. In my head, you know.”

By now I had gotten used to the fact that there was no escaping this man and this steady one sided conversation. I'd probably have to jump out of the moving train and I think he might probably jump after me to seek his answers.
I looked at him. He hadn't really changed much. I had put on weight while he was still dark,curly haired,with pointedly prominent nose and white teeth.He was the only guy I had seen who was same age as me and taller than me.
I felt a sudden wave of anger rising within me.How did he dare to get so comfortable to ask me to clarify my refusal.

“Plans !”, I shrieked,”what do you mean by 'plans'?
“ You know, the same as any other guy.”
“Huh,”..I exclaimed ,taken totally by surprise,” You know, this is the reason. You are weird.Incomprehensibly weird ! Since you remember so much, you might also remember how you barely talked and just kept looking at me through out that 15 minute meeting.You expected me to say yes ? ...besides you were a divorcee .I had decided i wouldn't meet divorcees till I was 30 and above.

He looked at me ,unabashedly, raising his eyebrows and throwing up his hands.
“That's it ! That's why you said no ?...seriously, what did you want me to do ? I don't talk with girls much especially if i have gone to see them for marriage, you know. I don't have many girls in my company's factory unit. I didn't lie........hmm.umm......I'm talking right now because its just you and me here and come to think of it this is our second meeting.”
I was ready to pull out my hair. Instead, I stared out of the window and contemplated ways in which i can shut him up.
“And as far as my divorce is concerned, I had told you, na,....I had married when i was 25 .I barely knew her.Within a week, we both realized it was a ghastly mistake....to tell you the truth ,”his voice turned into a whisper and his face came closer ,literally touching my nose,”You know...umm we didn't ,.....you know,...not even close.We got divorced within a month.I made the mistake of listening to my mum.I never made that mistake again. I've taken it upon myself to find the girl I like,you know. I also realized that i'd feel 'in my bones' ,you know, if i like anyone.I hope you understand what i am saying.”

“Frankly, I don't give a damn”, I said in Rhett Butlerish style and pushed him away.
He picked up the magazine and shifted a bit further down the seat,away from me.
He removed an Ipod from his satchel and plugged the earphones to his ears.For some time ,there was appreciable silence. I looked at the old couple across us ,both immersed in reading newspapers.
Day turned into dusk and as the sun set, pheriwalas increased in number. The catering staff came around to take orders for dinner. I seem to always puke at the sight of food served in such trains so as a regular indian i had packed my dinner.
After 20 minutes or so, Ali removed his earphones and stuffed them in his pocket. I had cooled down and felt bad about being so dismissive and unnerved. I could have tackled his unjudicious chatter more calmly.Instead, I over reacted ,quite unnecessarily.

He offered me a chocolate bar and I hesitantly took it. I removed the wrapping little by little as i ate while he tore the wrapping completely and finished the chocolate in two bites.
“Do you have a tissue? “ he asked ,examining his fingers. I threw the small tissue box at him.
“You know, you are a smart and intelligent girl.You are pretty too. But you are not sensible !“
I understood what he meant by it.If he had said it 5 years ago, I'd have probably choked him to death.He looked at me, unsure of my reaction.
“I know”, I simply added to his silent observation of me, then glared at him ”and you are still looking me up – up and down !”

Startled, to mollify me, he added ,”Its ok to not be sensible all the time.After all, who is ?"

He sat cross legged on the seat to face me and he asked suspiciously,”Have you been terribly hurt or you are normally grouchy ?"
It was my turn to be startled. I avoided his gaze and stared straight to the berth opposite to me.
“I was. Is it obvious?"
“No, no you hide it very well.Except the eyes ,.....you know. They tend to give one away !"
"The world would be an enlightened place if people could decode eyes ”, I murmured sarcastically.
“True, true!” he smiled .
“The plans,...after meeting you, I had made up my mind, you know, ......I've broad shoulders and you cry a lot and very easily because you are sensitive. I had made plans to keep you happy and away from hurtful stuff . I had thought,........we would have made a great partnership, ...and besides i wondered how it would be to make love to you !"

I threw the styrofoam cup with water at him.
------------------------------

Needless to say , till we retired to sleep we didn't argue . We exchanged news and views and what had changed in our lives .He told me about his extended family and that his mom was no more.He talked about his work and how he invented things in his free time.His life was ,as I had imagined, predictable and boring except that he made new things in his free time.The last movie he had seen in the theater was American Beauty and he pretty much shopped for his clothes from one store in whole of Pune.
By the next morning, we were more or less friends. The train was estimated to reach Bangalore at noon. We ate idlis and vadas at a station, mostly because i like idlis .As for him,he embarked on a tour of the platform for a decent egg omellette and when he didn't find any- settled for a vada grudgingly.

When the train screeched to a halt at the station in Bangalore, he threw his hands in the air and said,
“Ok, here we are ! Your sister is coming to pick you up ?”
“Yeah” I replied ,counting my bags,” here is your magazine."
“Oh yeah,thanks..by the way,I'm put up at Leela ,..I'll probably fly back if i get the tickets.”
“Ok, ...there,..... best of luck ,”I said smiling at him and shaking his proffered hand.
“Thank you , Sarah .”

Quietly, we got down from the train and stood on the platform. My sister had not arrived as yet so i stood waiting for her.
He pulled up the haversack on his shoulders and said,” Here is your tissue box. It has only a single tissue”, he said pointedly.
“No problem”, I replied.
He looked at me for a minute and then said,” Didn't you think it was too much of a co-incidence that we had seats next to each other?”
“As a matter of fact , I did."
“ I'm glad that seat didn't belong to anyone else....well...it so happened that I saw you at the platform near AC2 in pune. I called out to you but you didn't hear me. So I ran after you, and scrambled in the seat next to you,” he beamed at me, with smiling cheek to cheek. He hesitantly picked up his suitcase and wished me goodbye.”Bye ,Sarah”
“Bye Ali”.
As he walked away, I looked at his departing figure."Weirdo”,I muttered to myself.

I examined the empty tissue box and removed the lone tissue and threw away the box. As i opened the tissue to wipe my face , I spied a 10 digit number scrawled across it in bold dark ink. I stared at the phone number and laughed till tears struck my eyes. The only thought that crossed my mind was : Will he find my number in the magazine as easily as i had found his ? After all, I could have easily thrown off the tissue box without as much a second glance at the tissue.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Me and my neighbour!

Me: [flustered with tragedy and livid with anger] : Last night, your dog and cat entered my patch through that bloody broken fence ,which by the way was broken by your enterprising son and ate up my white mice and love birds.
Neighbor: [quiet,extremely alert ]: I beg your pardon ! How is that possible? My tomcat Freddy and Labrador Bosco were on leash the entire night ! Its just not possible !
Me: [cried vehemently] : Oh it is ,it is. I've feathers and bones of 5 mice and 4 lovebirds to prove it.Look there, beside that bougainvillea, I've laid them out for you to see. Do you still refuse to acknowledge it ?
Neighbor: My good lady, i'm very sorry for this tragic incident which happened in your garden. Let me also add,this is something which could've happened to anyone and anywhere. We live in a world full of violence and are attacked by terrorism from all sides.
Me: Oh yes, who knows that better than me ! From last 60 years since you moved here, something or the other has kept creeping up to my house and beset me with million headaches.
Neighbor: Oh, I do know you have been fighting intruders of all kind.I've been fighting some of that ilk in my backyard too.
Me: Oh yes you have been fighting them only now! If i remember clearly didn't you at one point of time had a fetish for all kinds of wild cats and dogs. Why, you had started a sanctuary of sorts for them !
Neighbor: Come, come ,Let's not get into the past now. I'm sure its one those wild dogs which have entered your patch yesterday night and attacked your pets !
Me: [shouting very loud and clear] Oh no no. You have been saying that for years now ! It was not 'some' wild dog or cat.They were yours - your very own pets !
Neighbor: [soothingly]:Now, now,let's not jump to any conclusions here. We don't want to create a war hysteria now,do we ?.....Ok, do tell me. WHat evidence do you have that my dog and cat ate up your mice and birds ?

Me: [snorting] Evidence ! ...[rushing towards the bushes]....[i drag the tomcat by its tail,literally] here is the damned evidence. This tomcat belongs to you ,doesn't it ?
Neighbour: [examining the cat nonchalantly]: Oh its the same colour ,....hmm ,....however i think its a tad small !

Me:[glaring at him]: you really are too trifle with this whole matter,aren't you ? It doesn't matter to you at all that my mice and birds are gone,right ?

Neighbour: Where's the evidence? All I ask of you is to send me some evidence.
Me: [holding out the cat] what is this then ? Isn't this evidence enough ?
Neighbour: Why don't you send over the evidence you have collected about this incident to my house. I promise i'll take prompt action.

And so it continued. Somewhere at the bottom of my heart it rankled me - wasn't this situation quite similar to something going on already nowadays. The push and pull. The pull and push .A sordid merry go a-round !

Nothingness!

It was my first time at the airport. I was going to Hyderabad. With my new husband. Since last 5 years, I had seen so much melodrama in my house; there was generally a heightened palpable tension in my house when my parents talked about me getting married. Every time, a suitable rishta arrived which was really rare in my case for some unknown godly reason, my parents would pray fervently hoping this time I’d strike lucky. Now, at 30, I finally got married.

I thought I’d be happy because getting married and getting out of my parents way was my primary pray too. I was tired of seeing disillusionment in their eyes and blame. They didn’t have to speak cruel words many times but during heated arguments they made amply clear that I should have been married by now and since I was not – it was all my fault! After sometime I didn’t care what anyone felt or said about me.

Flying within the country had become cheaper yet this was the first time I was traveling by plane. Ten years ago, I would have been thrilled to bits to travel by plane. Now, I just felt obsolete. I entered the airport lounge clutching my ticket .I was supposed to wait for the husband to arrive from work. The flight was supposed to leave after one and half hours. I walked to the row of empty seats, anxious.

Anxiety had become a part of my personality. Of course, no one who looked at me would call me anxious.I never looked anxious !However, from last 7 years anxiety over new things and over my abilities had somehow crept into me.

I sat on the chair, and kept my shoulder bag on the adjoining empty one. I opened the bag and rummaged through it for the book I was reading. After a good ten minutes of thoroughly searching the bag, it occurred to me that I had forgotten the book at home. Annoyed, I sat looking around. There were not many people in the lounge, waiting. Not having anything to occupy me, I sat glum, trying to make sense of what was happening around me.Suddenly,I saw a newspaper and magazine stall and immediately I straightened my bag, zipped it and was about to go there when I saw a familiar sight.

I’m a pretty tall girl and that time I wished I wasn’t. With a jerk, I turned my face away and slumped in the chair. My eyes looked at the familiar sight, far away, yet in my line of vision. For a second or two, I nearly made up my mind to run out of the airport. When my quickened pulse and thudding heart assumed a steadiness, I realized he probably had not even recognized me. He adjusted his hair and went back to reading the magazine.

He just looked older, that’s all! .I never thought I would see him again. In my heart, I wanted to. However, I would never have tried seeing him again. My hands turned ice cold while I sat there .The memories came rushing back which I thought I had firmly pushed away. The pain of being dumped and informed of being dumped through the sms seared at my heart. No reason was given- I had asked, demanded and sweared to be given the reason for being dumped. I fought for it.Ah ! How terrible those years were! I covered my face trying to blot out the pain.

He was the only person I had loved selflessy. My first and last love! I still remember the cold November morning when I got up –stark awake while sleeping .I had sat on my diwan thinking – I will never be able to love anyone the way I had loved him. I had loved him with a certain innocence, naivete, passion and selflessness. And he had taken that away when he dumped me!

The day he dumped me I couldn’t sleep the whole night. I was angry. I had been angry for last 5 years now. I was angry at myself- for loving and trusting him.For not being ‘smart’ about it the way he had been. He had worked and gained promotions and the last he informed me –he was doing his Executive MBA from IIM.

I was not jealous about the way he went on with his life after dumping me.
I just felt stupid that I had wasted my time on him.

I still remember how hard I was on myself for 2 years called myself stupid, my emotions were a waste. I couldn’t trust my ability to make good decisions- infact any kind of decision. I had lot of faith in my choice of friends and was proud of the fact that I had never wasted my time in ‘puppy love’ relationships.

He had committed to me and had expressed his desire to marry me. I had believed him. I wanted to marry him because I loved him. Just imagine! It is so difficult to find someone who wants to marry you just because he/she loves you. Not because your figure, face, money, status, business, caste, religion fits into their scheme of things. I loved him enough to lay down my life for him if required.

I was not perfect and thank god, I got tired of changing myself to fit into his ambiguous excuses. Of course, I realized all that later, when he was avoiding me. He took advantage of the fact I loved him because it took me a year of negligence from him to realize he was avoiding me. All that was drama he created so that he could escape the responsibility of hurting me.

Suddenly, the airport felt cold and I shivered as I looked at his bent head. Good! He hasn’t recognized me! I don’t particularly want to act friendly; I smirked. I felt cold because of the anger welling up inside me. I was hurt but that I could and had dealt with long ago. It was the anger that I was fighting since last 5 years.

I was angry that I had chosen a cruel, merciless person to love. I was angry because he had lied, made excuses and messed up my head so that he could escape manipulatively. I was angry that he had said he loved me when all he actually did was use me. Since last 5 years, all I looked around is for ways to deal with anger! My proud heart was made to look like a fool. No one understood my pain. I lost my spirit, motivation just because I had loved a wrong person. I taught myself new rules and saw to it that I never felt pain again. I dropped the expectation to be happy in my life.

While this drama was on, I had lost the track of my career. I didn’t have fulltime work for two years ,I had receded from acquaintances and friends and didn’t make any new friends.
And on top of all this, I couldn’t get married through a traditional arrange marriage system. I couldn’t find a suitable boy while I was still ‘young’.
All because of him!
And yet, I hadn’t learned to hate him.

The announcement of the impending flight broke through my mad confused reverie. I sat there clutching my bag, a shadow of my happy go lucky, innocent simple and easy to please self. I looked at him while he stuffed the magazine in his satchel.

From the corner of my eye, I saw an elderly man, pushing a wheelchair, waving at him.
I saw the old man, helping him into the chair.
Dumbstruck,I bolted upright ,still clutching my bag ! I stood there, worried as the old man adjusted the wheelchair while he gathered the bags and put them in the trolley as ably as he could.
I wanted to run and help him but I stood there biting my nails. After he had finished loading the trolley, he swiveled the chair while the elderly man pushed the trolley.

For the next thirty seconds, he looked at me. The same look he used to give me when he was helpless for words. He pursed his lips and I knew at that moment he had recognized me all along as I sat there. Before he wheeled away,I thought I saw his eyes glistening and I stood there fighting hopelessly to hold back my tears.